Control

I was ready and waiting at my computer at exactly 8:00 to book a careers appointment as soon as it went live, when some rapscallion stole it from straight under my nose while I was uploading some documents. I was in crisis, with the viability of my two-film cinema trip in ruins, and my mind spiralling off into several different parallel universes of time management. After some meditative exercise, the engineering thought processes were flowing, and I found a way. I love spontaneity, but only when I’m in full control.
The change in plans meant I could enjoy the sunshine before shutting myself inside a darkened box. Lay on the grass in Botanical Gardens, becoming one with the sea of grass, and flies. The arrival of noisy children heralded the time to leave. After my midday careers meeting, I went to the cinema. First, Atomic Blonde, an extremely stylish reunion for the female cast of Fast and Furious 8. Then I saw A Ghost Story, almost a product of a child’s perspective on death and memories. I think I was the only one in the audience who appreciated it though, “That was sh*t,” being declared from the back row as soon as the credits started rolling, with much confused conversation in the toilets afterwards.

August 9th (service)

Started early at The Cabin today. I enjoyed setting my own morning vibe in the kitchen with music. It was a weird day, with a really late lunch rush. Working in a food establishment has really altered my perspective of what customer service is. Sometimes people can have unrealistic expectations, and not understand that problems sometimes occur, that the server doesn’t want to happen.

I have a flawless bag system, whereby I always keep my essentials in my rucksack, so that if I have that one item, I have everything. Where this falls down is on spontaneous occasions where I falsely believe my organisation skills supersede this structure. One such occasion was me going to Sainsbury’s to buy popcorn without my bag, so I could have the experience of walking without a heavy load. Unfortunately, I had the knock-on experience of forgetting my wallet.

Had tea tonight with some friends. I truly believe there is no limit to the amount of sauce I can eat, of any kind. We decided to watch The Wedding Ringer. I was crying with laughter, but it also had some meaningful themes about friendship.

August 6th (city of a thousand planets)

Several activities managed to coalesce into one, coherent whole today, beginning with the delightful task of cleaning the Playtime Centre at church. This then allowed me to stay for the start of the service and worship, before ditching everyone for the boring part, and powering back up the hill for lunch with Gethin, Grace and her mum. I enjoy our conversations of tearing all beliefs and established modes of behaviour to shreds.

Then went to Cineworld to watch Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets with Luke. Totally absorbing, and with a surprisingly unconventional storyline. It was also quite stylistically similar to animes, being based on a graphic novel. I was planning on watching another film afterwards, but it wasn’t screening anymore, which threw my trajectory off course. I was probably better off with a break anyway.

Submitted to the overruling desire for sugar, and bought some cookies on the way back home. Was reflecting afterwards how my fixation on perfection alters how I view criticism, because it makes me feel I could have done better, even when the problem is abstractly, or not even, related to my performance.

July 5th (arrangements)

Someone, somewhere made the executive decision to unleash my “talents” on The Cabin’s kitchen today. Those grills will never be the same again. After a few mid morning crises, all was well; regular arrangement is key. Had free reign of the playlist, but had to resist the impulsion to play Justin Bieber. 

Cooled off in the freezer section in Sainsbury’s, before buying cookies. There is currently a discount revolution occurring; last week, reduced from £1.10 to 90p, now from £1.00 to 80p. Will the parameters ever stop changing? Then went to the Simms for tea. Started getting overwhelmed by schedule arrangements, so lay on the floor for a while when I got there to realign myself. Luke noted that I looked wiser since he last saw me a few months ago. Maybe this is the sweaty, day-long kitchen effect. 

We watched The Full Monty, hilarious and very appropriate for a Christian setting. Justin was finally unleashed when I got home, accompanied by a nighttime Pilates workout.

July 4th (native rebirth)

Went down to church today to carry out several tasks that seemed to make little impact on the world, but hopefully had eternal consequences. Worked with Jenny on the social enterprise stuff, and how it could be used to benefit vulnerable people in the future. Also, got some keys cut for the first time, a less dramatic process than I imagined.

Slipped into a semi-coma when I got home, induced by an overconsumption of salted peanuts. I woke up, and was soon back on the straight and narrow, with the help of some yoghurt and a cup of tea. It was then time for the reemergence of the Native Indian album, while reading Isaiah. I really love that book, and could feel a sense of expectancy in the room. In chapter 38, a king says, 

“I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.

Lord, by such things people live; and my spirit finds life in them too. 

You restored me to life and let me live.

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.”

This reminded me of the strange tension between God as a healer and tester, something we’re all too keen to run away from. Abandoning our cinema plans due to general tiredness, I went round to Jill and Lydia’s for stir-fry insanity, proving that friendships can continue after the end of routine. Our souls were connecting over Justin Bieber, but then my speaker ran out of battery. Watched The Age of Adaline; thought it was going well, until it started pulling out a few unnecessary coincidences.

July 2nd (another sunny afternoon)

Brought glory to worship this morning on the bass, hopefully. Then had a whole afternoon to spend in the sun, my eternal dream. Started off by reading The Picture of Dorian Gray in Weston Park. There is an interesting part where one of the characters, Lord Henry, talks about how, through art and literature, it’s possible to learn things that others need experience to discover. I spend loads of time listening to music and reading, so maybe this explains why I’m often frustrated when people’s thoughts and thought processes seem underdeveloped to me. Please be humble, I have to keep praying this.

I went to TK Maxx to buy some smart clothes. As I’ll be attending a few weddings over the summer, and hopefully job interviews as well, I need to at least pretend to be respectable. Appearance is everything, apart from if you’re King David. Also picked up two Fairy Tail box sets for only £14 altogether in HMV; yes please. Then Holyspirit wanted me to buy cookies. Why do all my spiritual encounters seem to be connected with Sainsbury’s? I asked why, and he said, “Lift your eyes.” This is what he says to people he knows in the bible when he wants them to trust. He wanted me to enjoy them with him, and put my spiritual strength before my physical. Sounds great in principal, but not looking forward to obesity if this continues.

Watched Pocahontas for the first time tonight; some of the animation was incredible. That first scene with her where she’s standing on the cliff over water, with the wind in her hair, sums up my ideal target for any glory moment.

A day in the life – May 22nd (waa)

I always think, “It’s Monday, let’s have a rest day!” Haha. Ha. I always have a lie in, but then activities cause the rest of the day to merge into an indistinct blur. Cleaned a house in Hillsborough, then spontaneously ate lunch in Hillsborough Park. I only intended to walk through, but hearing wind in the trees subjected me to a mysterious rebirth. 

After deciding I need to spend some more enforced Holyspirit time, the trusty Native Indian album was unleashed. I don’t know how I used to worship before the fateful day I bought this from the buskers in town. Going through a deconstruction phase in worship. Don’t know whether to listen to music, watch anime, films, or just sit in silence. Or not even bother, and meet Jesus in the everyday. Do I need structures, or none? I need Dumbledore’s Pensieve, so I can empty my head of all the thoughts that constantly regenerate and distract.